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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.