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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
I wish common sense was more common.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"