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Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!