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By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.