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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?