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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...