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The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.