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All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
The future is much like the present, only longer.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.