Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!