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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.