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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
My memory foam has amnesia
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!