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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.