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I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.