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No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.