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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
no..i am not drunk, floors needs hugs too ! :p
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?