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The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.