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I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
We`re all just nudists in disguise...