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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.