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I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.