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Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.