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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.