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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.