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My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
is frickin awesome! Nough Said.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.