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Cashiers are always checking me out.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
Carfax but for people
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`