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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
We can`t all be princesses, somebody has to clap as I go by. :P
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.