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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.