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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.