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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day