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I bet Waldo’s parents are worried sick.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.