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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Serving size ?? LMAO
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.