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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
I give myself the best presents.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.