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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.