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How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
2 words, 1 finger.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.