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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.