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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.