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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.