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“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser