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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Marriage tip: Don`t
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!