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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"