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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance