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I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...