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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?