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One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone