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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.