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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?