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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.