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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.