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No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.