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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
only fights if pillows are present.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.