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Why is it called "Alien vs Predator"? Isn`t predator an alien too? They should`ve just called it "Some Aliens"
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I’m going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.