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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Today`s subliminal thought is: …