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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
My inner self is in Photoshop
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!