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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.